Half Kevin Spacey from American Beauty, half neighbourhood window-watcher from your darkest nightmares, Michael Van de Elzen is an internationally renowned chef who has transformed the fabric of New Zealand cultural life.
Van de Elzen stumbled upon the mobile food concept while reconnoitering suburban streets in the early nineties, and combined the concept with his first-hand experience of the basic healthy food ethos preferred in most low-medium security prisons, to create his first ratings hit, The Food Truck. Van de Elzen is now the undisputed star of Kiwi Living, a magazine-style show for double-digit-IQ viewers that seamlessly blends food, fashion and not-jokes.
Van de Elzen's career trajectory is limited only by the fact that he is legally unable to leave the country, or enter any others, leaving him no option but to slowly colonise the entire TVNZ schedule show-by-show with his incomparable range of deconstructed Weetbix recipes and lingering glances.
Racket Rum Club Honorary Member #15
Michael Van de Elzen
Like the rest of Racket's Scottish bar staff, venue manager Josh Ramsay mixes easy banter with sudden bursts of sentimentality and unprovoked violence, often in a single, unintelligible sentence.
Ramsay's Celtic leadership style has made Racket a leading destination for cottaging, football rioting, unplanned teen pregnancy, and sectarian playfights, with Lonely Planet describing Ramsay as 'a bit touchy' and 'of interest to authorities'. Ramsay's renowned collection of jewellery from missing English backpackers is on display in the Auckland Central Police evidence room and Ramsay is currently managing the venue remotely from an undisclosed location in the Waitakere ranges.
Persons encountering Ramsay in his highly fortified bivouac should refrain from making direct eye contact and should attempt to placate Ramsay with whisky, Subbuteo and second-hand Zoo magazines.
Name: Josh Ramsay
Hobbies: Wearing kilts at weddings, playing bagpipes on lonely windswept hillsides and barely tolerating lazy Scottish stereotypes for the sake of poorly paid employment.
Mauger was accepted into the Racket Rum Club last night after winning a brutal 10-week elimination battle with twelve other aspiring 45-year-old actor-slash-entrepreneurs.
Challenges included the looking-away-from-a-full-length-mirror test and the dreaded talk-about-another-person-without-mentioning-yourself-competition. Despite finishing mid-field in the challenge round, psychometric testing and reference checks revealed Mauger has the misplaced self-confidence, limited acting credentials and potential inheritance required for Rum Club membership, and Rum Club members were ultimately swayed by his ability to infantilise adult women while wearing singlets made for a large summer vacation-themed teddy bear.
The talented self-admirer's hobbies include; classic cars, Jordan Mauger, describing what's happening as it's happening, taking credit for organising perfunctory mid-budget dates, telling unverifiable stories about international travel, and timid kissing.
Mauger openly admits to catching the travel bug after leaving high school, but denies willfully transmitting it to any Rum Club members since his acceptance last night.
Rum Club members contacted last night described Mauger as "bipedal" "younger than he looks" and "male".
Racket Rum Club Honorary Member #14
The Racket Rum Club bestowed honorary membership upon the Rt Hon Steven Joyce at a well-attended meeting in central Auckland last night.
70 members seated comfortably around the perimeter of Joyce's sunhat voted unanimously to admit Joyce, based on his services to provincial radio and plagiarism.
During the meeting, Joyce was hit with a finger vibrator, a ball gag and several ben wah balls, but police and physicists are in disagreement as to whether the items were intentionally thrown or simply drawn to Joyce by the gravitational pull of his head.
Joyce responded to the announcement of his membership by interrupting it halfway through, belittling the practice of honorary memberships, blaming the situation on the Norm Kirk government and immediately u-turning and accepting the honour based on focus group testing.
A Rum Club member who is one of a select group of people to have seen both sides of Joyce's head during their lifetime described Joyce as "extensive", while Rum Club members who frequently misuse adjectives when pressed for quotes described Joyce as "affable", "debonair" and "honest".
Racket Rum Club Member #13
Vladivostok's leading John Lennon impersonator has been a regular member of Racket's DJ team since arriving in Auckland on a deep sea fishing trawler in late-2010.
The 47-year-old former arms dealer has a diverse musical repertoire, ranging from golden age hip hop to Russian Orthodox bell ringing, and regularly plays 24-hour sets without drink, meal, cigarette or toilet breaks.
As with all foreign-born staff, Racket management securely hold Webster's passport in an undisclosed location and pay his wages with second-hand jeans, McDonald's vouchers, a dial-up internet connection, and emergency access to rudimentary medial supplies.
When not performing at the venue, Racket management assumes Webster is playing faultless chess in public parks, distilling high-proof vodka in remote rural locations, swimming in exceptionally cold water, rioting after unsatisfactory football results, reading complicated works of fiction by candlelight, and generally behaving in strict accordance with all prevailing stereotypes.
Radio presenter Tony Veitch had his Racket Rum Club honorary membership reinstated last night at a celebrity function in downtown Auckland.
Veitch's membership was originally suspended after a small misunderstanding in 2009 that nobody can remember, and Veitch graciously accepted his reinstatement by handing out signed screenshots of his social media pages and reading a twelve page list of every former All Black he has interviewed, or stood close to at a press conference.
Veitch spent the following ninety minutes pointing at people from across the room, Googling himself, and profusely agreeing with anybody who vaguely resembled a professional athlete.
Veitch's close personal friend Matthew Ridge was unable to attend the event and generate much-needed work for Auckland's struggling emergency glaziers and night shift paramedics, however Ridge provided a hand-written congratulation message that was largely illegible, but most likely very touching.
Veitch was kind enough to remove his forearm from the anus of an NZME spokesperson long enough to allow him to describe Veitch as "a white male" and "on the radio".
Racket Rum Club Honorary Member #12
Rum Club members adorned in Hazchem suits presented Rachel Glucina with an honorary membership at a gala function at Racket this afternoon. The event was attended by one MediaWorks manager and paid actors depicting Glucina’s family and friends.
Health and safety regulations require fellow Rum Club members to refrain from making eye contact, standing downwind, or removing footwear in Glucina’s presence, and Racket cleaners will apply a scorched earth policy when dealing with glassware, cutlery and bar fixtures used by Glucina.
Rum Club members have also customised several bathroom peep-holes for Glucina, along with a full-length-mirror that reflects Jamie Ridge’s body from all angles.
Racket’s regular clientele of C-list television stars, reality show contestants and adult children of former politicians expressed their concern at an emergency meeting held at Racket last night, but Rum Club members were undeterred, given the genitalia, cellulite and next-door neighbours visible in Glucina’s supporting documents.
Racket Rum Club Honorary Member #11